People have asked me, “Didn’t you know Tinder was a hook-up app?” Yes. Yes, I totally did. The whole point in joining Tinder was just to make a small baby-step into the scary world of dating. I wasn’t ready to pay for any sites (what I did pay for is funnier) because I wasn’t looking for anything serious at this point. At this point I wasn’t convinced that any man would find me attractive, so this was more about seeing if I could get any male attention at all, let alone a real life actual date.
I had only met up with #1 for the first date at this time. To be honest, I was becoming addicted to swiping though! For the first time in over a decade I could look at hot men! I just HAD to look at them all! Sometimes I would swipe right just because they were a doctor or a lawyer. (Didn’t your dad tell you that you should find a doctor or a lawyer to marry?) One of my favorites was this goofy looking doctor that messaged me saying, “I’ll buy you donuts and carry you up a mountain!” To which my only response was, “I can’t promise I won’t fall in love with you!” Another charmer, which I informed of my upcoming birthday, hit me with “What are you going to do about the Bday sex?! There’s your answer in digits, you’ll find out about the inches” If that kind of charm didn’t make my fucking pants fly off then nothing would, right?
In my life outside of Tinder, I found myself scanning the hands of sexy dads for wedding rings. The best place to find hot single dads is on the weekends at the grocery store. Most of them have their tiny people over the weekend, and because they survive off of Doritos and beer during the week, they are almost always at the grocery store shopping for kid food. My friends had even taken it upon themselves to scan for wedding rings on attractive men while we were out. For some reason, no matter how desperate and lonely I made myself look, I couldn’t get a hot dad to hit on me. Back to Tinder I go.
Insert Bachelor #2 here. This guy was what dreams are made of. Although he didn’t have the ever popular gym selfie, you could see from his photos that he had the type of body I’d like to eat dinner off of. He was 29, had dark hair (complete with the haven’t shaved in 2 days look), and his eyes were absolutely beautiful. He didn’t have a bio on his profile, so naturally I was intrigued. I wasn’t going to wait for this one to message me; I was going to make the first move. I was super cool y’all. My opening line was, “You don’t have a bio so what do you like to do?” I guess it beats the standard “Hey.” Thankfully he responded (I may have leaped up out of my bed here) and there was about two days of classic small talk…then nothing.
Since I didn’t feel super confident in my appearance, I wasn’t really wearing my glasses. I kind of felt like guys wouldn’t find the sexy librarian look attractive. (Although if I had a dollar for every time a man used that term I could buy myself my own donut shop!) The very first time I met my best friend we were going out dancing, single moms’ night out, and she told me I shouldn’t wear my glasses. I went out that night half blind, so the man I danced with could have looked like Frodo and I wouldn’t have even known. Not to mention, every time I dropped the little one off at preschool without my glasses, this kid in her class would shout “You look so pretty WITHOUT your glasses!” If a 4 year old says it, it’s obviously true, duh. All of a sudden, 6 days after he falls off the planet, #2 messages me back apologizing for not responding and telling me, “I really like your second pic; your glasses look really good on you.” So wouldn’t you know it? I ran over to the table and put those sexy things right the fuck back on.
He went on to tell me these super cute embarrassing stories of things he had done, and I loved it because I’m literally the biggest dork ever. I added him on Snapchat and for days we sent each other car selfies on our way to work. The first time he sent me a selfie, I wanted to keep it so bad (but Snapchat lets them know when you screenshot it) so I ran and got my daughter’s iPad and took a picture of his picture and then messaged it to myself. I may or may not have walked around showing this photo to my coworkers all day the next day. Every time he sent me a snap, I’d get the dumbest smile on my face. He was gorgeous and I just had to meet this man! I cancelled my original second date with #1 so I could meet #2 and I’m so glad I did. For never having been in the dating world, dating two people at the same time was pretty exciting! I had only ever been in boring relationships before, so this kind of made me feel like a badass.
Now remember, I hadn’t learned any lessons at this point, so my actions that follow could have landed me on the news (they didn’t, so take a breath). One of my friends was even like “I’m going to see your face in the newspaper tomorrow!” However, this man was honestly the hottest fucking guy I had ever seen in my life, so I was willing to risk it. I have years of my life to make up for here!
He lived an hour from me, so I made the drive out to see him. I drove straight to his place, and because I had mentioned my friends’ worries about me dying that night, he said we could go to the park first until I felt more comfortable. I got to his place, hopped out of my car, and right into his. I know what you are all thinking right now. I can literally hear your eye rolls. We went to a really big, popular, busy park (sigh of relief anyone?) and walked around talking about our jobs, our hobbies, and all the super interesting stuff like that. We went to dinner at a sushi place, and because I hate sushi, I ordered cheesecake. I feel like I really have this dating thing down.
We went back to his place after dinner, and we watched a really funny movie on Netflix. His laugh was adorable, and he looked even more amazing in person. I probably stared at him more than the movie. Up until this point in my life I had only ever just done the Netflix part of “Netflix and chill”. (To be fair I had only learned what this actually meant about a year ago.) You want to know what the better part is though??? All of you single mamas out there, add a Netflix and chill friend to your grocery list. You will thank me later.
Now this isn’t “50 Shades of Grey” here, so I won’t get too crazy on the details. I will say though, that when I looked at the clock it was about 9:30pm. The next time I checked it, it was after midnight. It was the most crazy, passionate, and intense night of my life. I was insanely attracted to him, and he was equally attracted to me. This completely blew my mind. To know that a real life, abs for days, kind of man found ME attractive?! He had found a way to release my inner goddess that I never knew existed. I fully understand that my future husband will be reading this, and I promise you he is going to want to shake this man’s hand.
I went on to see both #1 and #2 for the second time each. The second date with #1 you already know about. The second “date” with #2 was just like the first, full of passion. Except this time I stayed the night. I could feel my confidence growing with every second I spent with this man. I have always had the worst self-esteem. I never felt that I was beautiful, or worthy of truly amazing love, but this man made me feel that way. I went out and spent a ridiculous amount of money on new sexy bras and underwear because I finally had a reason to show them off! (What is it about finding a new man and the urge to buy new underwear?) He had told me though that he wasn’t looking for anything serious at the moment, and admittedly I was kind of bummed at first. I wanted this kind of passion for the rest of my life! However, I was having too much fun “chilling” with him, so I decided I was 1,000% okay with it!
I went on to see him one more time after that. After having quite possibly the worst date of my life with #1, I knew I needed someone to lift my spirts. This guy was the best at that! We watched some of the funniest stand-up I’d ever seen before (If you like raunchy comedy watch Ali Wong) and I instantly felt better. I stayed the night again and we both got ready for work in the morning together. I think at this point it started to feel slightly like a relationship, which neither of us were ready for, and when I said goodbye I knew I’d never see him again. Come to think of it, I never got those donuts he promised me.
Each person we meet in our lives is going to teach us something. Sometimes, these people show up to teach us a really hard lesson, like don’t skip through the trails of vacant parks with random Tinder boys. Other times, they help us discover something amazing in ourselves we never knew existed. No matter the reason though, each of these people is a reminder that you don’t know shit about life.
To be continued with Bachelor #3…
Note: As I’m writing this a friend shared an article with me about a woman being found dead after a Tinder date. People are fucking crazy y’all. Thankfully, all of my stupid actions have NOT landed me on the news. Be safe, I promise I will make smarter decisions from here on out. However, we are still catching up with my shenanigans.