For those of you that don’t personally know me, I should tell you that I’m a total dork. I’m obsessed with all things Disney (Yes, I rock those leggings), I’m not afraid to do embarrassing things (especially when it means embarrassing my kids), and I give zero fucks when I’m belting out some of the classics like “Get Low” (To the window! To the wall!) while driving through town. I even secretly wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. However, I have KILLER resting bitch face, and that tends to throw people off. Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that I love anything that makes me laugh, but I will also kill you with my death stare.
Bachelor #3 was funny. At least he was at first. His Tinder bio was this story about something hilarious he did at work one day, and I thought it was at least better than the classic “I’m tall, athletic, take super-hot gym selfies, and those kids in the picture are my sisters.” I had also figured out that I definitely had a “type” and this guy was the total opposite. My “type” was pretty much tall, dark, and handsome (duh) with a little bit of facial hair, and preferably younger than me. This guy was baby faced, and blonde, but he was 29 and pretty cute so I figured I’d date outside-the-box. He was also Canadian, and since I grew up just across the border from Canada (I traveled there frequently because the drinking age was lower.) I thought we might have some things in common.
Like I said, this guy seemed super funny, which I loved, but he was also really indecisive. He changed his mind for our first date at least a dozen times, and really wanted it to be a surprise! I thought that sounded fun, and also slightly dangerous, but I obviously have a track record of good judgement here. He lived a little over an hour away (Why do they always live so far?) so we decided to meet halfway at a surprise location. I promised not to look it up (This is sounding worse than it is I promise.) and I met him there. The surprise location ended up being a game bar, which I had never been to before. I was excited! I got out of my car to greet him, and as I gave him a hug, I started wishing I would have asked him how tall he was. His height was conveniently missing from his bio. Even in regular shoes, I could see over his head. I was a full inch taller than him! From this day forward my bio now states, “I’m 5’6” so if I don’t have the option of wearing heels, this probably won’t work out.” But wait a minute. It gets better. When we tried to enter the bar, he pulls out his ID, and they won’t accept it. It’s a Canadian ID because, wait for it…he’s not even a citizen.
#3 explains to me that he’s only in the United States because he’s working on his master’s degree. He’s not a legal citizen, and will eventually have to return to Canada. However, he assured me that once he graduates, he’s able to stay on a work visa (or something) for like another year. After that expires, he’ll just have to get married. Hint, hint. I swear you either meet the ones that won’t touch the word relationship with a 10-foot-pole, or the ones that want to wife you up immediately. There is no in between.
So, no game bar. After planning at least a dozen dates and finally settling on one, we are unable to even legally get inside! Thankfully, there was a regular bar just down the block with looser regulations, so we decided to go there. We had a few beers, and I realized that even though he was short, he actually was funny and I had a good time. I spent the whole night laughing at his jokes, and his ability to quote just about every movie. (Now that I say this out loud, it seems super lame.)
Since I had a decent time on our first date, I decided that I’d like to see him again. This time we went out for Mexican food, because it’s my favorite. I made sure to wear my absolute flattest shoes hoping it would make a difference. I could live without heels right? Of course, it didn’t, and I’ll admit it was bothering me. I had an okay time on our second date, but it was becoming pretty obvious over the next few days, that I had a stage-five clinger. #3 would text me ALL day EVERY day. Normally, that doesn’t bother me because I love to text. However, if I didn’t respond to his messages right away, he would just keep sending me more. He was also trying to get an internship that was pretty close to where I lived so we could see each other more often. I told him that I wasn’t sure I was ready for all of this, and that I was a little “scared”. (Damn it if karma doesn’t bite me on the ass with that word here soon.)
I pushed him away for a few days to clear my head. My tinder was pretty lackluster during this time though, so wouldn’t you know it? I started messaging him again. I got to thinking that maybe I was being superficial about his height, and that I could potentially be pushing away a really good guy. He was the “nice guy” after all, which is something I was pretty unfamiliar with. I gave him another chance and we went on date number three.
For date three we went to a brewery that I wanted to check out. They were having trivia night, and it was the plan to participate, but we never did. We had a few drinks, and I realized that this guy is literally never not quoting a movie. (I hope it wasn’t movie trivia we missed.) It was starting to get really fucking annoying. He’d even start to say something as if he was about to tell me a story, and then a few seconds in I’d realize it was just another quote. I don’t know if he actually found this funny, or if he really just didn’t have any real conversational skills. But guess what? He bought me donuts, so I decided to keep him around just a little bit longer. What can I say? Homer Simpson is my spirit animal.
This is the only Bachelor that has ever made it to four dates (at the time of me writing this) and I’m honestly not quite sure why, because he’s by far the least exciting. If you’re even still reading this right now, I promise you that the next one is a real treat. Anyway, date four was a breakfast date and I left it knowing that there was no way I could continue talking to him. A few more days went by before I told him that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything further with him. He was upset (because I’m awesome of course) but I told him that I was also kind of interested in someone else. Remember how I said that little blue star gave you the ability to “Super Like” someone? Well get ready, because I finally found a reason to click it.
To be continued with Bachelor #4…