Disclaimer: This post is not about Bachelor #9. As excited as I am to tell you about him (because y’all, he’s a good one!) there’s a chapter I need to close first before we can move on, and that’s the one about Anna.
I came across an article the other day. It was from ELITEDAILY.COM and it was titled “The Science Behind Bad Boys: Why You’re Always Chasing Players” By: Gigi Engle. The title caught my attention, because I was desperately trying to break free from a cycle that I spent my entire life in. Yes, I am ashamed to admit that old habits die hard, and I spent the beginning of my 2018 learning that lesson, yet again. Apparently, there is actual scientific evidence to support why women so often will chase the non-committal guy, the emotionally unavailable guy, the player, the asshole, or the narcissist. There are lots of names for that type of guy, but I like to lovingly refer to them as FUCKBOYS. Anyways, science has found that women chase those men because we see the jerk genes as some type of superior genes. Science has proven that the fuckboys are the “Alpha Males.” Excuse me while I switch my profile to seeking women only.
If you’re not familiar with the term fuckboy, I’ll elaborate. If you type “fuckboy” into Google, the first definition that comes up is spot on. It’s from urbandictionary.com and it says:
“Asshole boy who is strictly into sexual relationships; he will lead a girl on and let her down, then apologize….Boys like this will pretend to genuinely care about the girl but always fail to prove the supposed affection….If a girl tries to stand up to this asshole he will most likely deny everything and turn it all around on the girl making it seem as though the conflict at stake is her fault and he has done nothing wrong….Boys like this are egotistical assholes who can not be trusted and are hard to get rid of because they say all the right things to get the girl back.”
Essentially, he’s the douche bag who plays your heart like a bag pipe. He blows it up with lots of compliments and other nice things, only to deflate it right afterwards. Just when you’re over the bag pipe and ready to try another instrument, he will send you a random “Hey you” or “Good Morning” text and make you think you were just over analyzing his last communication with you. It’s a vicious cycle, and you never get any farther than the last time he hit you up. So, if you read the blog closely enough, you’ll know that this story is about the guy who is mentioned in almost every single blog post I’ve written: Hans.
Last year after Hans pushed me away, it took a little bit to get over the sting of it all. However, as you know, I met a few new people and that helped. A few weeks went by, and I didn’t hear much from him. Then, like clockwork, I’d get a text or a snap from him about once a week. I swear to you he could hear my thoughts, because as soon as I’d think to myself, “It’s been like a week since I’ve heard from Hans” sure enough that same day I’d get something from him. At first it was easy to just brush it off. I’d ask him if he was doing okay and he’d say yes, and we’d go on with our lives. Then, his communications were more frequent. I started out being slightly bitchy, because I had closed myself off from him. I knew that he was just an asshole and I had learned my lesson from him. I didn’t want the type of person in my life who made me do all of the work. I kept our communications more matter of fact; just trying to make sure he was well and give him advice if he needed it.
Hans kept trying though. Right around Christmas, when I was all kinds of vulnerable, he messaged me and I said to him how I had a love/hate relationship with him. He said, “You probably just hate me.” I responded, “I hate that I still like you.” Hans replied, “I don’t know what to do about liking you. I think about you all the time.” And that was the moment I was sucked back in. My fuckboy perspective of him started to soften, and I got to thinking that maybe he had worked out whatever shit he needed to work out, and was ready to give this an actual try. Oh, Anna.
I had it in my mind that I was going to play my cards differently this time. He was the one coming back to me, and because I put forth all of the effort last time, I was going to make him fight for me. He messaged me every single morning, he actually picked up the phone and called me a few times, and even though I felt like I was playing a little hard to get, he persisted. One of the things I did differently this time around was that I continued to date despite talking to Hans again. I wasn’t about to completely go all in on it just yet. I thought I was being smart; I thought I was guarding my heart. I thought that I was playing the game right this time.
We spent several weeks just talking. It was my way of waiting for him to prove that he wasn’t going to run away again. Although he was doing a decent job of communicating, I was still doing most of the work. I really needed more from him, but I was getting more than I got last time around, so I was letting my brain make excuses for him. I was taking his great qualities, and letting them make up for his not so great qualities. Hans is an amazing dad, and to me that is the sexiest thing. (He’s not too bad to look at either.) The fact that he’s a good father was overshadowing the fact that he wasn’t emotionally available, or willing to match my efforts in building the relationship. He was supposed to come see me one weekend, but he ended up having to work, and I guess I thought nothing of it. I was a little overwhelmed with life then, so I decided that I was just going to see him again and it would be like a mini getaway. I really needed that. At this point, I was finished with Bachelor #8 and had just met #9 & 10. Although I liked what I knew about #9 so far, I couldn’t brush off the nagging feeling that I needed to give Hans one more real chance.
Thankfully, the drive down to see him didn’t take 7.5 hours like it did last time. I was excited to see him again and see if the sparks between us were still there. I won’t lie to you and say that I didn’t have a good weekend with him, because I did. However, there was an awkwardness that both of us felt. At first I chalked it up to neither of us being able to let our walls down. I had a hard time opening up and talking to him, and that’s pretty unlike me since I like to talk. As much as I wanted to be there and see this thing through, I just could not find it in myself to open up. What I thought was fear of being hurt again, was really just my head trying to tell my heart that it wasn’t right.
As much as my silly little Anna heart wanted to make this man the right man, the truth is that he isn’t. As much as I wanted him to live up to the picture perfect prince image I had created of him in my head, the truth is that he didn’t. You know that moment in Frozen when you learn that Hans is really the bad guy and never really cared for Anna after all? Those thoughts, those feelings you knew she felt in that moment, I felt them in real life.
After coming home, and a few days of the annoying back and forth shit again, I came across this quote that hit me really hard:
“I had to take a step back, get all the way real with my life, and ask myself why the hell I wanted a man who made it obvious with his actions, that he didn’t want me? Why I kept trying for a man who never made the effort for me? In doing that, I realized, that he wasn’t the problem anymore…it was me. I had become my own problem by sticking around in a bullshit situation, and I needed to fix my fucking self.”
– Cici B / The Crimson Kiss
So, that’s just what I did. I took a deep breath, took a step back, and decided I needed to work a little more on me. My thoughts and actions were proof that I still had some life lessons to learn. I joined a gym, spent more time with friends, and refocused on my goals as a single mama. I was going to continue to do that, stop looking for love, and let the right guy find me. Until I realized that I was pretty sure I already had, he was Bachelor #9 and I had just pushed him away.
To be continued with Bachelor #9, the one who doesn’t need an alias.